I'm A Fake
by emoyaoi69
Summary: Tohma/Suguru. Suguru has more feelings for Tohma then he should have. What will Tohma do when he finds out? Contains cousincest, self-harm, and suicide


**Warnings**: YAOI, COUSINCEST, MALE/MALE SEX, ADULT/MINOR, CUTTING, SUICIDE.

**Disclaimer**: Maki Murakami is (well, should be) the proud owner of Gravitation. And, Love Mode belongs to Yuki Shimizu.

I am in a pretty pissy mood at the moment. And I was listening to I'm A Fake by The Used and I got the idea for this. And when I am fucked off, I normally listen to Emo and Screamo music- - - Hell, I listen to Emo and Screamo even when I'm not fucked off. Oh yeah, and J-pop and J-rock.

**Suguru POV**

I stand in this building day after day, doing the same old thing. Every day I'm surrounded by the same people, by the same four nauseating people. The annoying, idiotic singer. The smart-ass guitarist. The trigger happy manager. And the hypochondriacal producer.

I can't stand them. I can't stand Sakano and his tendency to overreact. I can't stand K and his stupid guns. I can't stand Hiro and his big brother-like attitude. I especially can't stand Shuichi and his happiness and when he's talking about how much he's in love with Eiri Yuki. I hate him for having all that happiness and joy he has in his life. Someone to come home to and talk to about how he feels. And to have someone there to comfort him when he's upset.

Why can't I ever have someone here to do those kind of things for me. Why can't I have someone to love and that loves me back. Someone that I can spend time with and talk to about anything. So what if I'm a prodigy, who hardly shows any emotion. I still want someone to hold me in bed at night and that will tell me that they love me.

I've always been alone. Ever since I can remember, there was never really anyone there to talk to. My step-father--- God, I hate him. He was a no-good drunk. I'm glad he's rotting in jail. And my mother, she's no better. Always away on business trips. And my real father. Well...I don't even know him. The only people who cared for me was the people who cleaned the house, and who tutored me. But they only took care of me because they were paid to. But there was always one person who was there for me. Who would play with me when I was little. He help me to become talented, the same talents I use in this stupid band. He is the only person who cared for me, without having to be paid for it. That's why I love him. I know its wrong, I'm very aware of that fact. But I can't help it. I can't help it if I love my cousin. I can't help being in love with Tohma Seguchi.

I had just walked into my apartment after ten hours of recording a new album. The apartment where I live is pretty normal-- A bedroom, study, kitchen, living room, and a bathroom. But the rent is expensive...but I don't pay it, so it doesn't matter. Dropping my bag by the door, I walked into my bedroom. Grabbing some old clothes, I headed into the bathroom to have a quick shower.

Now clean, and dressed in a black t-shirt and short. I walked into the living room, pushing one of the buttons on the stereo as I went passed it. It was already on the radio station I had it on this morning- '_Okorimakuri_', meaning 'always angry'. They play J-rock. But they also play music from all over the world. They start from Punk, all the way up to Black Metal. Its strange...I'm in a J-pop band, yet I can't stand it. So I should be in a rock band. But if I do leave Bad Luck, I won't be near Tohma. After all, that is the only reason I'm in the stupid band. It's to be near him. Everything I do, I do it so I can be near him. But he doesn't notice. He _never_ notices anything I do any more.

I lean back onto the sofa, still thinking about Tohma. "_Just look at me now, look at me now. I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake!!_" That song. It's weird. When ever I listen to it, it's like it's summing up my life. Because, that's what I am: I'm a fake.

Ring...ring...ring

Damn phone. I walk over to where the phone it, answering it. Cursing the person who rang in my head. "Hello."

"Hi, Suguru. It's Hiro."

Damn, what does he want? "Okay. What's wrong?"

"I just thought I should tell you that we won't be practising tomorrow."

"Why, did Shindou-san think to hard and hurt himself?"

"No, Shuichi didn't hurt himself. He's ill. So, I'll probably see you when he's better. Bye."

I hang up, not even saying goodbye. And I highly doubt that Shuichi is ill. He's just faking it so he can spend time with Yuki. Anyway, I shouldn't worry about that annoying pink-haired brat. I have other things I need to do.

Walking into my bedroom, over to one of the draws. I pulled out what I needed and went over to lay on my bed. My room, I guess, was pretty normal. But I do have posters of Tohma on my walls. But it's not like anyone's going to see them.

I looked at both my wrists, deciding with one will get the treatment today. Picking up the small, metal item. I placed it gently on one of my wrists, then slid it across, pressing deeper. Yes, this is what I do. I cut myself. No one knows this; I don't even think Tohma knows. But I've been suffering from depression since I was eleven. I was never the happiest child around, but I just thought it was because I didn't have my mother with me. I couldn't even talk about it with Tohma. But that's when it started. That's when my life began to fall apart.

When I was eleven, something bad happened. And it hurt so fucking much, that I didn't tell my counsellor. I couldn't and haven't told anyone since. When I was thirteen, I found out about my sexual orientation. I was gay. How did I find out I was gay when I had only just entered my teenage years, well.... I was looking in a book store for manga and I came across a manga called 'Love Mode'. Even though it was wrapped in clear plastic, I brought it. And now I understand why it was wrapped. After reading it, I went onto the internet and searched for yaoi anime. I even looked for real porn. And I even remember that that was the first time I had got a hard-on. After getting hard from just watching two random guys fucking, I looked up stuff about Tohma. And after finding pictures and videos about Tohma, I had had my first ever orgasm.

"OW...Shit!" I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing, and I had cut a bit to deep. I reached under my bed for dirty clothes or anything that would stop the blood from getting everywhere. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I've only ever done that once before, and that was when it was the first time I had cut myself. One of the maid had found me and she called Tohma, and he took me to the hospital. When he asked me how I did it, the only thing that I could think of was that I had accidentally smashed a glass. Tohma just nodded, though, I don't think he believed me. But I now know, how to do it properly. I know that I should hide the object that I use. I know that I should keep a cloth or something under my bed, so that I can clean up the blood. I know how far down I can cut on my wrist without doing serious damage. I know how far I should cut until I reach the point of no return.

After cleaning the new cuts, and bandaging up the worst. I went to go check my e-mails. And I have...one. I have one e-mail. I know hundreds of people. Yes, most of those people are just a bunch of nobody's that work at NG. But I have two e-mail addresses. One address is for the fans. And the other is for friends, family, and people at work. But I have one fucking e-mail. And it is from..._Anonymous_? Who could that be? I know its not from a fan. None of my fans know my private e-mail address. So should I read it? Should I just delete it? Should I let someone else read it first? Yeah right. There is no way I'm going to let someone read my e-mails. Clicking on it, I felt nervous.

_Suguru_...

_I'm going to be blunt with you, okay. Because that's the kind of person I am and you will come to learn that fact when you meet me. You're pretty hot. I've noticed what a sexy young man your starting to become since you were fourteen. Now you see, you haven't a clue who I am and I'm telling you that your a hot young guy. All you know is that you have an e-mail from an anonymous person. But I know that you are such a sweet person. And that's not 'pat the pweety dog on the head sweet'. So I know that you will read this. You might have thought about deleting it, but I knew that you wouldn't._

_Do you want to know who I am. Well...I can tell you only a couple of things about me. I am a male. But, I know for a fact, that me being a male doesn't bother you. Because I know that you're gay. I've known that you were gay before you even knew. I know that you're in love with your dear cousin, Tohma Seguchi. I know that you can't stand being in Bad Luck. I know about your parents and about your step-father. I know that you have been suffering from depression for five years. I also know that you cut yourself. In fact, I know the reasons behind you doing them. Suguru...I know that you were raped when you were eleven._

_Surprised yet? I'm sure you are. How does a stranger know all this stuff about you? Well, if you meet me, I won't be a stranger then. If you meet me at the Tokyo Tower at 10pm tomorrow. Don't worry about trying to find me when you get there. I know who you are and what you look like. And if you don't come, it doesn't matter. I know where you live. But I do hope it doesn't come to that._

_Oh, and one more thing. You don't need to worry or be afraid, Suguru. I'm not that bastard father of yours._

I sat there, frozen, staring at the screen. Who is this guy? How does he know so much about my life? How does he know that I'm gay? How does he know that I hate being in Bad Luck? How does he know that I cut myself? How does he know that I'm in love with Tohma? How does he know that I have depression? Why did he say that I didn't need to be afraid because he's not my father? Oh shit...How does he know I was raped?

So, do I meet this guy and hope he's telling the truth? Or do I meet this guy and then it all back-fires and I end up getting raped again? God, how does this guy know so much about me? I mean, not even Tohma knows any of that stuff. I have no idea what I should do.

Next day, Tokyo Tower 9:49pm

So, I have now been standing outside the Tokyo Tower for about half an hour. Why did I get here so early? I don't know why. In fact, I don't even know why I came. I just...really wanted to know about the man who already knew so much about me.

I'm really nervous about meeting him. I didn't even know what to wear. So, I just went for a pink, long-sleeved, shirt. A black jacket. And black leather pants. NO!!...I did not wear the leather pants because I want to make an impression. Well, I want to make an impression, but I don't want to make that sort of impression

"Master Fujisaki..."

I turned my head at the mention of my last name. Though, I'm not quite sure why he's calling me master. I looked at the man. He must have been in his late 40's. He had grey hair and he was wearing a suit. Like a butler, maybe.

"My Master is sorry that he could not pick you up himself." He said, and handed me a piece of paper. "My Master told me to give you this, and that you come with me and I shall take you to him."

I took the note from this man, and walked with him to the car.

_Suguru..._

_I'm sorry that I couldn't meet you. I had to work late. And I want it to be as much of a surprise as possible. Because, when you see who I am, you will be surprised._

_I can't wait to see you, Suguru._

_I hope you're going to look as sexy as you always do._

I blushed. I think that's the second time he's called me sexy. Though, how can he call me sexy? There is no way that I'm sexy. I'm not even cute. I don't even know how anyone can call me things like that?

The drive took about twenty minutes. Twenty minutes of silence. Twenty minutes to think. To think about this strange guy who, I don't know how, but has already won my heart over. Corny? It is a bit, but that's the only way I can describe it. And before I knew it, the car had stopped.

Stepping out of the car, I looked around. Hoping that I could see something that I recognized. But I didn't. Looking at the house. Well, it was more of a mansion then a house. I knew that it couldn't be my father. He wouldn't have the money. And besides, if it was him, then he would have just grabbed me after work, not do something like this.

Not wasting any more time. I walked up to the door, and knocked. Pushing open as I did so. Okay, I'm not strong, so he must of left it like that on purpose. Now I'm really scared.

Normal POV

Suguru walked into the house. Trying to look around, but finding it hard to see, because the lights were off. Not wanting to trip and fall over, Suguru slowly walked to the middle of the room and stopped.

'Why are all the lights off? I mean, he is home, isn't he? The door was open.' Suguru nervously thought. He put one of his hands out in front of himself and started walking slowly, trying to find a wall, so that he could find the light switch.

As soon as Suguru's hand hit the wall, the lights flicked on. Suguru thought that it was him who turned on the lights. Until...

As soon as Suguru's hand hit the wall, the lights flicked on. Suguru thought that it was him who turned on the lights. Until...

"Suguru, you should have called out when you got here. I would have come down sooner." The man said, while he started to walk down the stairs. He was clad in a deep purple suit. Well, the trousers anyway. And a dark blue shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. "What's wrong, Suguru? You look like you've seen a ghost."

'Oh shit. This can not be happening!" Suguru thought, as he slowly began to walk backwards, one step at a time.

"Oh, Suguru. What are you doing? Are you feeling okay?" He said, stepping closer to the younger boy. "Come now, Suguru, you're being silly. I'm not going to hurt you. I am your cousin, after all." When Tohma said that, Suguru went to turn around, wanting to head for the door, leave, and pretend that none of this had ever happened. Unfortunately, Tohma had other plans.

Tohma grabbed Suguru by his wrist and pushed him against the wall. Seizing his other wrist, pinning it above Suguru's head along with the other one. Suguru began moving, trying to get his hands free from Tohma's grip.

"Why are you trying to get away from me, Suguru? I thought you like me?" Tohma said in his usual tone of voice, pushing his leg between Suguru's thighs. Suguru's breath hitched as Tohma pressed his leg a little harder against Suguru's groin. "You know, Suguru, you look pretty cute when you're like this." When Tohma noticed that his cousin wasn't looking at him, he felt the need to change that. Tohma started moving his leg slightly in and out of Suguru's, and tilted Suguru's head up with his free hand. "Say, Suguru, why don't you like being in Bad Luck so much?" Although his face was still being held by Tohma, He could still break eye contact, and that's just what he did. "Well, it doesn't matter about Bad Luck at the moment. Because...that's not what you want to discuss or do right now, is it?" Tohma smirk, thrusting his leg slightly upwards, causing friction where Suguru did not want.

"Ahhh! T-tohma!" Suguru had never moaned like that before. The feeling had felt so good, Suguru had now wished that he hadn't worn the leather trousers.

"Oh...I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you had an erection." Tohma pretended to be sincere. Knowing full-well that his cousin could see right through his act. "Do you want me to help you get rid of the problem?"

At that, Suguru blushed bright pink. Both he and Tohma knew that Suguru wanted his older cousin to touch him. 'No. I can't let him do it. Although I really want him to. I don't even touch myself that much. I only do it when a cold shower won't work. But, to have Tohma touch me there...I don't think I'll be able to control it.'

Still not receiving an answer, Tohma took it as a 'yes'. Practically dragging Suguru by his wrists, Tohma led him up the stairway, to the master bedroom. The bedroom had a slight smell of vanilla, that was coming from several candles that lit the room. The bed covers were made of red silk. Tohma pulled Suguru, who by now was extremely nervous, into the room and laid him on the bed gently. Tohma let go of Suguru's wrists, straddling the younger musician as he did so.

"This will be your first proper and consensual time, won't it." Coming from Tohma, it sounded like more of a statement then a question. "Would you give me the consent to show and give you the pleasurable experience you should have had from the beginning?"

Suguru could not believe what he just heard. 'Not only did Tohma just politely ask for something, showing the same kindness that he would only show Yuki. But he asked if I would give him consent to let him show me what my first time should have been like. I have been wishing for three years that he would do this.' Suguru nodded "Y...yes. I give you my consent..."

Once getting the permission that he needed. Tohma straddled the younger boy, leaning down, gently pressing his lips to Suguru's. Tohma ran his tongue along Suguru's bottom lip, asking for an entrance. Suguru opened his mouth slightly, allowing Tohma to deepen the kiss. Suguru moaned when Tohma's tongue touched his own. Tohma placed light kisses along Suguru's jawline, and down to his neck. He nipped and kissed Suguru's neck, suckling on one sensitive part. Leaving Suguru's neck, and the newly forming hickey. Tohma quickly pulled of the jacket and unbuttoned his cousin's shirt, and through it across the room. He then unzipped and pulled off Suguru's leather pants and his boxers, tossing them...somewhere.

Tohma stopped his ministrations, looking down at his younger cousin. Suguru had his hands fisted over his mouth, and his eyes closed tightly. "You're so beautiful, Suguru." He said in a soft tone, as he ran a single finger down the centre of Suguru's chest. "You're pale skin contrasts well with you're dark green hair. You're slender, petite figure is incredibly hot. And even with those scars on your wrists, you're still flawless. God, I should have told you years ago that I love you."

Suguru's eyes shot wide open, as he stared into Tohma's eyes. "You...you l-love me?"

Tohma smiled lovingly. "Of course I do. When you started to develop into the young man you're becoming, I started noticing how sexy you were becoming. And I had trouble controlling my feelings for you. All I wanted to do was tell you that I love you and wanted to be with you."

Tears were now falling freely down Suguru's face. He couldn't believe what was coming out of Tohma's mouth. "Tohma...I love you. I really...love you." Suguru wrapped his arms around Tohma's neck, pulling him down and into a deep kiss. And immediately letting Tohma take full control of the kiss. Finishing the kiss, Tohma stripped himself of all his clothes.

'Wow, Tohma looks...like an angel. Now I feel even more embarrassed that Tohma sa- ah!' "Ah...!" Suguru moaned...loudly. Tohma licked Suguru's erect penis from the head, which had pre-cum forming at the slit. To the base, which was surrounded by dark green hair. And back up again. Tohma continued that movement for a few minutes, until he took all of Suguru's length into his mouth at once.

"Ah! T-tohma!" Suguru laced his fingers through Tohma's silky blond hair. Suguru tried bucking his hips up, but Tohma had one of his hands holding Suguru in place. Suguru couldn't take much more. After all, this was the first blow-job he'd ever gotten. So it made sense that he couldn't hold back his orgasm for much longer.

"T...Tohma, stop...please, I'm gonna...gonna-Ahhh!" Suguru screamed his climax, tightening his grip on Tohma's hair, and cumming into his cousin's mouth. Letting his grip go on Tohma's hair, Suguru laid there, trying to catch his breath.

"Tired already, Suguru? We've only just begun." Tohma flicked his tongue over one of Suguru's hard nipples. Tohma then repeated the same thing to Suguru's other nipple.

Tohma managed to stop touching Suguru long enough to lean over and retrieve a tube of lubricant from the night-stand, labelled K-Y Jelly. Opening the tube, Tohma squeezed the thick ointment onto his hand and started massaging Suguru's entrance. "Look at you, Suguru. You're so beautiful." Tohma whispered, as he slowly eased a finger into Suguru's body.

Tohma thrust his finger in and out a couple of time, letting Suguru get used to the strange feeling of having something inside of him. After a few minutes, when Tohma added a second finger, Suguru started to become tense. "Relax. If you want me to stop, I will. But for now..." Tohma added the third and last finger. "Lets just get you prepared, shall we little cousin?"

When Tohma had finished preparing his cousin, he leaned up, giving Suguru a deep kiss. Tohma grabbed the lube, squeezing it onto his hand, and coated his erection with it.

Tohma positioned himself between Suguru's legs, and gently pushed himself in.

Suguru hissed when he felt the first inch or two of Tohma's cock enter his body. Tohma slowly eased his cock into Suguru, inch by horrible inch.

When every inch of Tohma's cock was inside Suguru, waiting for a minute or two. Letting Suguru get use to the feeling of having a cock inside him, letting him know that he wouldn't get hurt.

"Move."

Its was only a small whisper, but Tohma heard it very clearly. Tohma pulled out slowly, leaving the head of his erection inside his cousin, then thrust back inside, being careful not to hurt his cousin in the process.

Suguru screamed at the top of his lungs. The pain. The pain brought back so many unhappy memories of his step-father having no mercy on him and his little virgin body. Suguru was shaking. Badly. And Tohma felt this, but he didn't stop.

'_I can't stop. If I do, my little cousin will want me to pull out of him. And I refuse to do that. I've waited to long to do this. To show this living angel what it's like to be loved; not just in such an intimate act, but for the rest of his life. I'm sorry I couldn't be his first, but I will surely be his last' _Tohma thought as he continued to rock slowly into his young cousin.

"Suguru," Tohma whispered into his ear, "Suguru, it's alright. Calm down." Tohma proceeded in gentle kissing the green-haired boy's neck and collar-bone. He then licked a light trail from Suguru's collar-bone all the way to his ear. "I'm not going to hurt you, Angel"

And with that; Tohma pulled out of Suguru again, and steadily pushed back in. Suguru screamed again, but it was nothing compared to his last scream. _'It's amazing he can actually make any sound. I thought that scream would have damaged his voice-box..." _Tohma thought to himself. The blonde man again, pulled out and pushed back in. Only, this time...

"Ah-" Suguru's eyes widened. "_TOHMA!!!!_" The young boy screamed again. This time in utter elation- as Tohma hit that sweet spot deep inside Suguru.

Tohma chuckled and shifted his hips a little, getting in a comfortable position in order to continuously hit his cousin's prostate. And continuously hit that amazing bundle of nerves, he did.

Suguru's screams had turned into wanton moans. His tears were not tears of pain, discomfort, and bad memories any more. But; tears of pure joy as his cousin, _his lover,_ was making love to him.

For a few short minutes, the two cousins just laid there; slowing rocking. Tohma buried deep inside his younger cousin. Suguru's arms wrapped tight around the blonde's neck as he moaned for his cousin. Moaned for him to go deeper. Moaned for him to kiss him. Moaned for Tohma to love him.

Kissing Suguru; Tohma trailed one hand downwards, towards Suguru's swelled member. Suguru gasped, stopping the kiss, as Tohma tugged on the boy's penis. A little smile appeared on Tohma's face as he done it again. Kissing his cousin again, Tohma sped up his pace a little; his cock hitting Suguru's prostate non-stop, and motioned his hand up and down Suguru's reddened hard-on.

"You can cum, Angel." Tohma spoke against Suguru's bruised lips. And it was as if those words activated that very motion. Suguru's back arched and his inner walls tighten even more so as he came, moaning his cousin's name. His cum landing on his chest and his neck. As well as Tohma's chest. That erotic site brought Tohma to his egde, cumming deep inside his cousin's small body.

Tohma collapsed atop of his little cousin; though he quickly lend his weight onto one elbow, not wanting to crush Suguru. Tohma then looked down at his cousin.

Suguru eyes were closed, his breathing erratic. He shone all over with sweat. His forest-coloured hair drenched from it. He then opened his eyes- Big. Post-lustful brown. And full of unadulterated happiness.

The following morning....

'No. No. No. No. NO! What have I done?!'

Suguru screamed in in his mind; his knees pulled up to his chest and his hands threaded tightly through is short, Forest-Green hair. Tears streaming down his cheeks. 'I... I can't believe I... I did that. What was I thinking!?' He sniffled. 'What's going to happen now?What is Tohma going to say when he wakes up? Will he regret it, or will he be as gentle as he was last night?'

"I can't take that chance..." Suguru whispered. He grabbed the nearest articles of clothing, forgetting his shoes, and left.

It was still slightly dark outside; must have been around five AM. The bird were only starting to begin singing. No-one was around. No cars. No-one on bikes. All the lights in the houses were off. And Suguru was running. He had been running from Tohma's huge house and had yet to stop. He didn't want to; in fear that Tohma would catch him.

Suguru did not stop running until he reached his apartment. He ran into his bedroom, into the dark corner. And sobbed.

Tohma stirred. He heat that was next to him was gone. And the spot that heat was located was now cold.

Alarmed. Tohma shot up; grabbed whatever was into reach of him. Tohma ran down the stairs, and the first thing he noticed was that his cousin's shoes were still there. But, there was no sign of the little cousin.

Panic shot through the Blonde's veins.

Tohma did not bother with his own expensive shoes. He had to find his cousin. His lover.

He sat there crying for near-on three hours. His knees wet where he had them pulled up and was pressing his forehead against them. His eyes red and blotchy from the constant stream.

Still in the darkness; Suguru finally got up and dug around underneath his bed. Pulling out the oh-so-familiar box. His eyes emotionlessly clouded. And proceeded to do it for one last time.

Tohma reached his cousin's apartment. But, as he went to push open the door- He stopped. Gulping; he was afraid. He was afraid because he didn't know what he was going to find. He could not control anything from this moment. Tohma slowly pushed the door open...

"Suguru...." Tohma's voice was so small. So quiet. Like a young child that didn't understand what was going on.

He was too late. He couldn't save him. His cousin. His lover- The love of his life, no doubt. Suguru was lying on his bed. Blood stained the sheets and the boy's clothing. It was a sad sight- A young boy: so much to live for. Ending his life because society would not accept the taboo error he had made.

Tohma kneeled down; pressing a kiss to Suguru's cold, blue lips softly.

Tohma then picked-up the sharpened piece of metal; then he lied along Suguru's side and pressed to metal on his wrists. Placing one last kiss on Suguru....


End file.
